Blah Blah WHATEVER!

me with dramatic make up

What other word can I use but ...UGH!
The blizzardy thing was okay,not so bad.The aftermath was wicked road conditions.So I'm sitting at the computer with a hot cup of tea,wishing Al was here.
Each day I find myself really hating that bitch he is in a "relationship" with even more. They need to be over soon...this is taking to long.

me playing around with a wig

Thursday I go see my therapist.Man do I have a lot to say.Oh well,I have to walk My dog,and take out the trash.The meaningless routine.It may be less of a burden to wake up if I had someone to wake up to,to make my day worth it all.If I don't post by New years eve,Here's to a hopefully better year to my readers and maybe myself...

Another day another heartache

Hey y'all,
  It's the day after Christmas.I don't want to sound like a Scrooge but it was just like another day for me.The holidays seemed to have lost there luster and cheer is just not there.I of course understand what the meaning of Christmas is and the fact that it is time for celebration.I think my emotions just got lost somewhere on the way to the day.My mom is all attitude to me.She does not care about whatever I might be going through,but I have to always be there for her drama.I would not mind if she didnt cut me off and tell me that what I worry about is nothing.I feel like her therapist sometimes...I'm so sick of it!
Also,my father all of a sudden wants to be part of my life? 30 years of nothing and now something?
CRAZY!!!
I am cautious.I know nobody in my family wants anything for nothing,Alterior motive much? Totally! It is a battle of spite between him and my mom.I am not wanting to be the object they are fighting over.It's all about who gets my loyalty,not about caring about me.Just so long as the other does not have it.

I wonder why I was born in this family.Please God show me why...there must be some reason or logic for me to be surrounded be a group of people that are so self centered.I want my freedom.I want to be selfish for once and grab a bit of happiness.I feel like making others feel better about themselves is what I am stuck in the slump of.I totally get attacked if I am not licking someones feet.(not actual licking,thats to nasty to think about).

Looking forward to another lonely new years eve.....NOT!

maybe next year will be my year...I just would like to feel love before I pass away.I do not want to have lived a worthless existance....

part 2 (didnt connect on other post)

video update

                                                     

it seems to hard to hang on,I'm dangling over a giant cliff !

Okay,so it's already the 17th and I have been in unfortunate countdown mode for about 10 days now.The year is almost over,my 20's are almost over and my life is going no where.

my 2nd birthday

I am pretty much in a low.I am listening to some crap from when I was a kid and it's making me feel pretty empty.Perhaps I enjoy the pain in a way,I guess I am comfortable with the comfortable.It's something I know and easier to retreat to.I HATE my f***ing life!
The one precious thing is the one thing I can not have...and it is wearing me down.It is getting harder and harder to press through the day.I sometimes think I don't have any fight left in me and that I am to weak to keep keepin' on.
I would feel complete if I had "Al".

Should a person ever really feel complete? Is happiness truely achievable? Perhaps it is just a myth.If we don't have hope life seems meaningless.If I give up then I guess I really will have no meaning.I have to either hang on to the end of this proverbial rope or just use it to hang myself with.Time keeps ticking on,my flesh gets older but my mind is stuck at the intersection of highway 16 years old and 25.

"here's to you Mrs. Robinson....you are a cradle robber"

Hey y'all.I'm just sitting down at the computer listening to some music from the 1980's.Not the best stuff,but it is kind of like every memory of being a kid has one of these damn songs attached to it.It is like I can't remember my existance without a song.Weird,huh? Yeah,I'm not your average person.

I have been a bit nervous lately,and all the klonapin in the world can't stop my leg from bouncing up and down.

One reason is because I will be signing up for a college class.I always hated school.I believe I might have mentioned the class in a previous post.I have to prove myself dateable.

The biggest thing is my birthday.It's on the 19th of this month and ...well...I'm terrified. I will be the big 30.I feel like I have nothing to show for my life.Granted things I have been through,I feel like I should have some things already accomplished.

It's gonna be another unhappy lonely birthday....I wish I could get a birthday kiss from "Al"

I am still waiting for my first real kiss! I got 2 very unwanted uncomfortable ones,from 2 horrible creepy slimballs who tryed to force themselves on me.I think it made me scared of guys for awhile.Now I'm an old bag who is in love with a younger,wonderful,adorable man...who does not look like he will be mine to soon.I figured out that technically we are not 4 years apart its more like 3 years,8 months,2 weeks,5 days..If I could do hours and seconds I might.lol.But for real....I know he is the one I will love forever and want to spend my life with.This sucks so bad.I want to just pour out all of this love on him,but I need him to give me a sign.I just don't want to be blogging at the age of 35 with the same problem.Life is hard.I am so sick of rules and excuses...I just want to be able to love who I love without fear of judgement or awkwardness.

Are we to the chorus of the song or still stuck on the bridge?

My apologies for my lack of motivation about posting. Kinda bummed to find out that all of my back pain doesn't matter because my x-rays do not show anything wrong.There goes that breast reduction I was hoping for.Anyway My family has been pretty colorful lately.Between my brother getting arrested,my sisters verbally suffocating me and my parents and this weird game they seem to be playing I dont know.My father is slacking off with the divorce being pushed through,and my mom although kind to me is having me make up stories.I feel like I just want to fade away sometimes.Happy to report I have not cut myself,and only wanted to once since tossing my blades.

I really miss Al.Yes I always say that,but he is such a important part of me.How can someone who is not in a relationship be a part of another?
It's the "you just know" factor.This is when you know you have met your soul mate.The instant click between 2 people.I know I felt it and tryed to ignore it at first.Fate has a way of pushing it's self on you.Like we can control destiny? As if !

I have realized so many new and wonderful things and try not to take any for granted because of him.My eyes opened up to a new world when we met.I feel sooooooooo bad for him.A wack job like me loving him with my every breath,and he is just trying to do his job.It is shameful how much I care for him.I do not feel good enough to be with him.I feel like I need to acomplish things to aquire his goodness.Let me get this straight though.He has never made me feel inferior.This is my own issue.Phone is ringing and it's my crazy ass brother,better go.Blog soon.