Okay,This blog is not over but continue on http://www.igottokeeponmoving.blogspot.com/
I hope someday to be able to come back to the song of my life and say I finally got the man I love,until then my life continues at I got to keep on moving....stay tuned.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNfHU748SYQ
I'll love you always and forever,my love
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
The end of the song...the final act
It looks as if my mission to aquire the man I love is over.I lost the war.Today he basically said goodbye and it is killing me so much inside.I will never stop loving him.He will always be in my heart.Now I have to start my blog over.I suppose it will now be about trying to go on and heal after having my heart break into a zillion pieces....I might just put the wonderful things I have experienced since I met him in that box I refrenced before.Wishing I never met him is just a statement made out of pain...I never knew how special a person could be until I met him.I dont know how to handle this....
This blog will continue as of the fact tht it is about my life but under a more appropriate title because this play/song of my life is over ad I got to keep on moving to a whole new one......
This blog will continue as of the fact tht it is about my life but under a more appropriate title because this play/song of my life is over ad I got to keep on moving to a whole new one......
Thursday, January 13, 2011
falling into deep depression
Why the hell did I even get up this morning?
I still can not get over this whole engaged thing.I threw away all of my cutting things so I cant release any pain.I actually stared at my Zoloft and Klonapin for a hour contomplating downing them all,or just drowning myself in the bathtub.I felt my body go limp,all energy poured out and I collapsed on the couch in a flood of tears and hyperventalation.
I did not move for 4 hours,then I slept...and slept....and killed people on video games ( completing a new game in 3 hours ) then slept again.
Now I unfortunatly woke up today and forced myself to get ready to go to the therapist.
I really dont mind going to my therapist,he is very good,I just dont want to move.....ever again.
I will most likely be in this horrible funk for a few more days,then begin to plot.
I will think of ways to cause my pain to be felt by all that hurt me.I am a wounded spirit and it is the only way ( besides suicide ) that I know to cope.
I want to beat this bitch up even more then before.I am to the point of actually finding a way to her job and beating the snot out of her bitchy face.This is a fantasy I keep replaying in my head.It is something I could actually do.I dont care what happens to me afterward,I just want to beat her within a inch of her life so she feels the pain I do.
Then of course I think "what would Al do if I did that?"
To tell the truth....It could not be any worse then him putting a ring on her finger.When I go out,I do not want it to be in a whisper.I will go out with a bang and hurt those who murdered my soul on the way down.
I can not just kill myself without people knowing the hurt I went through because of them.I would not kill anyone,do not get that idea.I just want to beat the fuck out of them.
I keep asking myself why?
In an emtion fueled rage I typed a letter to that whore....I erased it.
She can not think she has won.This war is not yet over.
I did however leave 2 messages on Al's work machiene.Isort of wish I did not,but now that I think about it we do need to talk.
I will update on this as events happen.Wish me luck....I need to fight for the one I love.
blog ya later
I still can not get over this whole engaged thing.I threw away all of my cutting things so I cant release any pain.I actually stared at my Zoloft and Klonapin for a hour contomplating downing them all,or just drowning myself in the bathtub.I felt my body go limp,all energy poured out and I collapsed on the couch in a flood of tears and hyperventalation.
I did not move for 4 hours,then I slept...and slept....and killed people on video games ( completing a new game in 3 hours ) then slept again.
Now I unfortunatly woke up today and forced myself to get ready to go to the therapist.
I really dont mind going to my therapist,he is very good,I just dont want to move.....ever again.
I will most likely be in this horrible funk for a few more days,then begin to plot.
I will think of ways to cause my pain to be felt by all that hurt me.I am a wounded spirit and it is the only way ( besides suicide ) that I know to cope.
I want to beat this bitch up even more then before.I am to the point of actually finding a way to her job and beating the snot out of her bitchy face.This is a fantasy I keep replaying in my head.It is something I could actually do.I dont care what happens to me afterward,I just want to beat her within a inch of her life so she feels the pain I do.
Then of course I think "what would Al do if I did that?"
To tell the truth....It could not be any worse then him putting a ring on her finger.When I go out,I do not want it to be in a whisper.I will go out with a bang and hurt those who murdered my soul on the way down.
I can not just kill myself without people knowing the hurt I went through because of them.I would not kill anyone,do not get that idea.I just want to beat the fuck out of them.
I keep asking myself why?
In an emtion fueled rage I typed a letter to that whore....I erased it.
She can not think she has won.This war is not yet over.
I did however leave 2 messages on Al's work machiene.Isort of wish I did not,but now that I think about it we do need to talk.
I will update on this as events happen.Wish me luck....I need to fight for the one I love.
blog ya later
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
HE loves me....NOT
SON OF A BITCH !!!!!!
OMG he got engaged! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is not fair this can not be happening to me I cant breathe!
I am going to die! Oh God this is awful! I can not handle this.WHY???????????????
How could he do this to me? I am so hopelessly in love with him and he up and wants to marry this bitch! cant stop crying.What can I do?
OMG he got engaged! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is not fair this can not be happening to me I cant breathe!
I am going to die! Oh God this is awful! I can not handle this.WHY???????????????
How could he do this to me? I am so hopelessly in love with him and he up and wants to marry this bitch! cant stop crying.What can I do?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The man who sticks to sceduals suprised me with being spontanious...I loved it !
Didn't expect him to come over today.He said he tryed to call and when I did not answer was worried.He is so freakin' sweet.
He was extra cute today to.I love that winter hat he wears it makes his eyes so noticable ( I love his eyes,they are so full of warmth and safeness ).
I am wearing miss matched old shirt and falling apart skirt and my hair needs to be washed.I am feeling such a scrub but he smiles and it makes me feel better.I still cant look into his eyes and keep my head down ( I feel so not prepared ).
He is so smart,I could listen to his beautiful voice for hours in awe. Gotta go check out the DCC website and stuff to find a new class.
Maybe if I remain diligent ( as I did with getting my dog ) I will get him to (LOL)
For real,if I want something that bad I will scratch out anyones eyes to get it! No stopping the train,does not matter who is on the track...they are getting flattened.
I am sick and tired of always dealing with shit I dont have to because I dont think I deserve better.
I'm sorta floating on a cloud,he remembered things I told him....and a few I dont remember telling him.
Oh well,it made me feel special.
If he is reading this....YOU ARE THE SWEETEST, MOST KIND PERSON IN THIS WORLD.YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I MATTER AND EACH TIME I SEE YOU OR HEAR YOUR VOICE I MELT.I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART.I KNOW I WILL NEVER TRUELY BE HAPPY UNTIL YOU ARE A PERMANENT PART OF MY LIFE.I JUST WISH YOU COULD LEARN TO LOVE ME ALSO.XOXOXO
Monday, January 10, 2011
"domo arigoto, I am roboto..."
The class I was freaked out about was cancelled.This is good and bad.Good because I did not know how I was getting there and back,and bad becuse "Al" worked really hard to get things set up for me and get the funds.
Also I have been dealing with crap about medicaid not receiving my spend down.Now I have payed them twice.I mailed january's in december and now mailed another one because "they couldn't find it".
My brother is calling me at all hours,I don't know what for.I think it might just be to put me down,in front of his friends and look like hot stuff.I am sooooo done with that petty crap.
I just wish I could create a new life.I am a huge gamer,and find myself to get into the game so much that for hours I am altered.In a false reality state.It scares me because I might do something I regret.So I have cut back on the games.
I have discovered and been scared to tell anyone this next thing.I should probrobly tell my therapist but I don't know what might happen.
I lose days.I can barely remember being alive the day before.Memories are fading,and I am forgetting.
I feel hardly anything for others.I can focus on one person and that is all.My love for Al is the only thing I feel like I can connect with.
I am scared.I feel like each day is being erased behind me,and the memories fade to fast.Only massive things stick and they are not what they once were.Dear God I am afraid.I am a robot who's data is constantly erased.Who can not feel emotions for others in mass form.My time perception is stressful,and I am in constant pain.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.Wanna wake up from this nightmare and feel real.
blog y'all later,gotta coffee myself up to finish the day.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2011..is this my year to be loved back???
As the snow covered wonderland melts outside,I find myself feeling like the snow.Once so high,fluffy,and sparkly.Now just melty,dirty,and dull.I am in a funk.Now hoping that this year is a better one.Although 2010 did bring Al into my life.That was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.I believe it was sometime between the 4th and 8th of January 2010.It was the best because I found out what it feels like to love someone for real.Enough to be willing to lay down my life for,and the worst obviously because I never got a bit of love back.
I'm not really a fan of the whole new year resolution thing,but I have made a promise to myself.I have had a change of heart.Instead of being so willing to change myself to earn someones love,I have decided to be myself.That person who was locked in that chest that I mentioned in one of my first posts.I think I am slowly finding her.I know that life is short.No time to get hung up with oppressive titles and technicalities.I want to be firm yet caring,look at Al and say to him that that stuff does not make someone truely happy.I'm a woman,he is a man and I am very attracted to him.A conversation not overlorded by his title or my differences.Just him me and realness.
My love may be unrequited.I may desire to rip the face off of the bitch he is with.I so totally could go for punching her in her homely looking rat squinty eyed face.SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SWEET that would be!
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