Why the hell did I even get up this morning?
I still can not get over this whole engaged thing.I threw away all of my cutting things so I cant release any pain.I actually stared at my Zoloft and Klonapin for a hour contomplating downing them all,or just drowning myself in the bathtub.I felt my body go limp,all energy poured out and I collapsed on the couch in a flood of tears and hyperventalation.
I did not move for 4 hours,then I slept...and slept....and killed people on video games ( completing a new game in 3 hours ) then slept again.
Now I unfortunatly woke up today and forced myself to get ready to go to the therapist.
I really dont mind going to my therapist,he is very good,I just dont want to move.....ever again.
I will most likely be in this horrible funk for a few more days,then begin to plot.
I will think of ways to cause my pain to be felt by all that hurt me.I am a wounded spirit and it is the only way ( besides suicide ) that I know to cope.
I want to beat this bitch up even more then before.I am to the point of actually finding a way to her job and beating the snot out of her bitchy face.This is a fantasy I keep replaying in my head.It is something I could actually do.I dont care what happens to me afterward,I just want to beat her within a inch of her life so she feels the pain I do.
Then of course I think "what would Al do if I did that?"
To tell the truth....It could not be any worse then him putting a ring on her finger.When I go out,I do not want it to be in a whisper.I will go out with a bang and hurt those who murdered my soul on the way down.
I can not just kill myself without people knowing the hurt I went through because of them.I would not kill anyone,do not get that idea.I just want to beat the fuck out of them.
I keep asking myself why?
In an emtion fueled rage I typed a letter to that whore....I erased it.
She can not think she has won.This war is not yet over.
I did however leave 2 messages on Al's work machiene.Isort of wish I did not,but now that I think about it we do need to talk.
I will update on this as events happen.Wish me luck....I need to fight for the one I love.
blog ya later
No comments:
Post a Comment