my fairy tale....

I found it.You are wondering what I found? My fairy tale of course!
I have said before that these fairy tales with prince charming are so unrealistic for a real person.That is because I always looked at from the wrong point of view.I don't need to look at it from the view of the fair maiden.That is so not real.There are other characters and I found mine.It's a bit strange but it fits.

Beauty and the Beast.
No,I am totally not the Beauty...I am the Beast.
The creature who falls in love with someone who does not share the same emotion.The person the Beast loves gets to know what is really inside the beast,then falls in love with the creature.I think if my beauty (Al)
got to know me the outside would not matter.We could fall in love and live happily ever after.

I'm the creature who lives in solitude,lonely and lost.When I found the missing piece to the puzzle of my heart.I pray that he will just give me a chance.I want to make him the happiest man alive.I would do anything for him.He owns my heart.

Another act another verse

Hey y'all.Sorry for not posting sooner but I am still fighting this damn cold.Thanksgiving was quiet,but I spent most of it throwing up.I am missing Al again.If he really knew the depth of my feelings perhaps he might give me a chance...nah. I don't think he would,but I wish that he did.If only to give me one chance...one kiss...I would feel happy.I am going to be 30 soon.I have nothing to show for my life.I dont mean fancy degrees and fame.I mean someone to love.
I finally find someone who I almost instantly fall in love with (real love not a crush or lust) and just my luck...he doesnt feel the same.I can't turn off my feelings like a switch.
I have a hard time sitting next to him and not smothering him in kisses.

me today feeling sick

My God,he smells so yummy to.Like clean laundry and a snuggly teddy bear.Every now and then when I am down I can smell him.No for real,not creeping anyone out.It's like one of those scents you assosiate with a happy childhood memory or a moms perfume.It comes and goes quickly,but makes me feel like he is there comforting me.Telling me to keep going.I just moved around the living room again.I need to vaccumm,but will blog later.Hope everyone had a good holiday.

Weird dream gives me hope,makes me feel loved

I had a totally epic dream last night.I went to bed feeling pretty defeated.Kind of hopeless,like I am never going to get Al. He says he has "a idea" of how I feel about him...but that just does not seem enough.It makes me feel like he really does not grasp the deepness of it.I am willing to do anything for this man.My life mission is to make him happy.I can understand how that could creep someone out.I mean a person popping in to your life who is completely devoted to you.

Anyway,this dream started like many of my recent ones.Very end of the world as we know it. I am a teenager in it.Walking on the streets of the small town I grew up in.All of a sudden I am in a car.Al is driving and two kids I used to know in school are in it.I am now my real age,but everyone still sees me as a teenager.We stop at a official looking building in the middle of this town.The town is slowly morphing into a city.Al says he has to go in but for us to wait because he will be right back.He parks in this open garage and goes in this heavily glass windowed building.We seem to be waiting a long time so we get out to stretch our legs.All of a sudden this giant evil creature smashes through this building.the skys get dark and lightning and rain slams the ground.This creature starts to chase me,and we all scatter.I am trying to run and hide when I see some chick who is all glowy.She shouts to me that if I can get to that settlement over the bridge it can't get me.I see it sucking the souls from screaming onlookers.This thing is at least 10 feet tall and fast! I find it hard to move but run to this settlement.The sky clears.The storm,monster and city are all gone.It looks like a cross between a campsite and that place the ewoks lived with the places in the trees.

I notice people I know.No one recognizes me.It must have been a portal of some type because My hair is very long now and blond.I have black hair in real life.I am trying to find Al.I am hoping he is safe but worried that the creature got him.As I am crying and feeling horrible for surviving and losing Al.
I see my mom but she does not look like my mom.I know it is her but she does not know me.The glowy lady is back and brings me into a place that is a tent on the outside but inside looks like a sparsly furnished home that has seen better days.There is a table and My mom is sitting at it.behind this table is a set of glass doors that look like they lead to a seperate part of this place.This seperate part looks to have log cabin type walls,and many hallways.
I sit at this table and the glowy lady disapears.some other people are at this table to but I do not know them.My mom asks me who I am but all I can do is ask if they had seen Al.
She looks puzzled but like she might be starting to recognize me.I say his last name and she gasps that it was impossible.Someone says "It's Heather"
"but you are to young to be her,she is old and sick"
"it is me" I say "where is Al?" I beg."He is okay.He went searching for you after the attack.He found you and you were inseperable.You got married...those 3 boys and 1 girl over there are your children"

I am shocked They seem my age.This is like a back to the future moment."Al and I have children?...Together?" I stammer unable to believe all of this.Then I see him.He has to be in his 50's.I run to him hugging him.He looks at me and we are both crying.He is old I am young...how did this happen...How did I miss all of these years.I was there but was not aware of it.I see myself old and dying in a bed.I lean over and I become morped into myself.Like time caught up with its self.Al is young again,I am also.
We are in this world of hell but we are happy.I feel loved,protected and complete.I am happy even in this hell world.Then everything turns back to not end times world.I am sitting on a couch with Al.My head on his shoulder.We are together.and I am in love.

That dream freaked me out.Aside from all of the terror I still want to always remember that f***ed up dream.
I got to feel what it was like to be with him.I really could FEEL things in this dream.All of the emotions were so real.

Messed up,but I had to type this so I would not forget it.

Blog ya later

not enough hours in the day

Feeling useful.Spent the day setting up a website for my mom's business and cooking things for my dogs party.His birthday was on the 1st of this month,but I wanted to get Al to come with his dog...so I pushed it until monday the 22nd.Still kinda pissed about him not getting in contact with me.Hope everything goes okay tommorow...fingers crossed.
Still gotta clean the kitchen from the cake making and making mac and cheese. gotta go ,sorry this post is so short but I'm way behind scedual.

-blog ya later

Update

I have been vigilant about blogging @ least once daily.Except for yesterday,in which case I was sleeping most of my day away. I had gone to my therapist earlier in the day and had a very cool session.I ran to the Rite Aid next door to pick up my zoloft and klonapin.I also grabbed a generic flu medicine....which made me very tired and making me sleep.
I have been talking to some people who have had this "mystery" virus/cold,I am not the only one who can't shake it.I feel better knowing that it is normal for it to last for a bit.
I have to go to the store and don't feel like walking because I'm woozy.It is right up the street but getting myself out of the house has always been hard.
I really have to pick up these few things before monday.Also My mother gave me some money to western union to my brother.
I know I need to get this done but I am battling with having to go out in this gloomy weather. It's the type of weather where you want to snuggle on the couch (it would be great to have a person to snuggle with) drink some hot cocoa w/marshmellows (of course,as if there is anyother kind! lol) and watch some bad daytime t.v.

I am really going to have to get my a** in gear.
Blog ya later

Arrggg....has the neverending story ended yet???

I have given up the pint of chunky monkey for a 1.5 qt of espresso chip from Edy's.(mainly due to already eating it all)
Why the change in depression foods?
Well I am cranky because I am still sick, freaked out because I did not refill my zoloft for a week,sad and hurt because of Mr. Al, and pissed off because my brother called for money and he and his very drunk friend were mocking me.

This little punk does not know me! Of course I'm going to curse like a salior and slam down the phone. I have become the angry old lady down the street who shakes her fist at the neighborhood kids. I can only take so much repeating and mooing sounds before I go all b***h on their ass.
Everytime I try to rest someone bugs me. (shaking my fist) grrrrrrrrrrrr.
I have not had a ride to go get my meds...( yet another fist shake)
And confused about what the hell Al is ignoring my pleas of help for and not answering a single call for a week....................I think a few spoonfuls of ice cream is well in order!
Life sucks!...I am really hating most things I come across lately.I either want to beat them or shove my head under a mountain of pillows to escape. I had a mix up and it left me without my zololft and klonapin.I guess they did not lie about what it does after all. Considering the fact that I am super anxious and depressed.

Must be the lack of chemical in my body but I am getting sick of having dreams when I nap of people trying to blow me up.
-blog ya later

Jet "Look What You've Done"

Okay,the link did not work on my recent post.This is what I ment to post.Of course it is in reference to myself.

I have made myself the fool....AGAIN!

Massive migrane today.Still battling this flu and getting no where.Tired of the cold sweats,phlegm,ears popping in and out and my voice cracking like a boy going through puberty.
Also on my current "hell" list my hair keeps falling out due to stress.
It might be harder to get "Al's" attention if I am bald.Still hurt and angry that he thought he had to lie and hide from me.Of course I want to slap him and shout at him frantically.
That would be a beautiful moment for him to grab my face,look at me firmly,and kiss me to make me shut up.

My weird fantasy is ...well...not usually what one does after being slapped!
When I push my current hurt aside,I know I really do not weant to slap him...maybe I should kick him instead!...no ....I dont want to hurt him at all.Eventhough he made my trust level go wayyyyyyyyy down.He was the only human I trusted.I could tell him anything,and to think that he could not even tell me a simple thing like "I have some extra work to catch up on,so I will be busy all next week.I dont really have time to talk".
I would have acted playfully upset for a moment...but the moment would pass and I would have delt with it.
Look it Al, you did not have to say you would not be at work...I thought you were going off to "play war" for a week.Although you never said you were.You did say that you couldnt tell me what you were doing.I respect that...but you led me to believe if I tryed to call you at work you would not be there.

Come to think of it....I have called you at work and you have always been in the field.You are there but you are not.
So maybe you left out some important details....but maybe you really did not intend to lie to me at all.
It could be me being overly emotional again.I just wish I knew that you could tell me the truth.That you dont have to hide anything or lie.
I really though we both trusted each other....I feel like a fool again..and I was the one who made myself that fool.You made no promises...but I put you up on a pedestel anyway.We did establish the fact verbally that we always tell each other the truth.That we dont lie to each other.
I suppose we are human.
I am sorry I freaked out Al.I just love you so much and respect you beyond anything.
I want you to feel comfortable with me.
http://www.youtube.com/?v=rjPb2HJI0Co

Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al (High Quality)

THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN LINKED TO THE PREVIOUS POST BUT I S**K AT LINKING (and totally f***ed up the address) so here ya go.

Gotta give the man I refer to a name....how about we call him Al !

What the hell could I have done to merit this? I am being ignored to the fullest.I hate the whole "I'm not returning your calls and acting like you are not in existance" thing.
This begs the question..."What did I do?????"

Okay so here I am.Needing a ear to listen to me. "Al" is kinda bound to answer me.He does get paid to "mentor" me.I thought that would be what we call it.Also I love Paul Simon music,thats why I am calling him Al.

So My mentor is supposed to help me with my emotional thingy's so I thought.He is supposed to link me with programs and try to push me toward my goal.Maybe the ignoring is how he is doing it now?
I have left him messages and still nothing.I also am wondering why he told me he would not be at work this week....and I find out he is.I think I might be to much for this dude to handle.To make up a faux vacation...soooooo NOT COOL dude!   ( Paul Simon Video in next post)

I thought I would fill in the blanks on some topics I left sorta half a** complete.

On a recent post I mention my brother who is almost 11 years my junior.The fight we had before he left for California was epic.Not epic good mind you...but worthy of a Jerry Springer show.
I found out that he had been secretly dating someone behind the family's back.No problem there.Until I find out she is 11 !/2 years his senior and they have been hooking up since he was 12 !
It sounded like one of those teacher student type sick things.Turns out he was going cross country to be with this cradle robber.I freaked out about how calm my parents took it.All I could see was a little boy with a chick older then me.That means when they began there relationship she was in her 20's.How can a woman see a child in a romantic way like that? It was way to twisted and I started yelling at him.Why oh why did I do this...it earned me a punch in the mouth and a push in the wall.
That is what our not leaving on good terms thing was.Also the reason he gained so much pleasure causing me pain with that tat.That "Mary kay Letourneau "wanna be called him in the mist of the tattoo process.I knew she wanted him to make it hurt because I called her a bitch and a pedophile.I heard them laughing on the phone about it later on.
Why do I care?

Well even though my family is unreliable,greedy and mean....they are still blood.

I dont know why I try.I know they wont change.

Maybe I love Al because I don't believe I deserve anyone who will love me back.That I am programmed to live in servitude type mode...............................

No

Although it is like me to self torment,my feelings for Al are true.I really do love him,and I probrobly should also stop thinking my family will change.

ohhhhhhhhhhh the tangeled web we weave!

Blog ya later!

What the hell was I thinking!!!!!

I suppose we all get a few times in our lives where we pause and wonder why the f**k we did something we did. It's that whole "damn,I don't know what I was thinking" moment.
I have had a few of those,like many have.The most recent one was a "why the hell did I allow my brother to give me a tattoo?"
You are maybe wondering if he is a professional...sadly no.Actually my crazy eldest sister is and I never took her up on the offer.Why did I let my brother tag me? LOTS oF FEAR AND PRESSURE.Okay,so he is almost 11 years my junior and thin as a rail,but from the age of 5 up until 17 (he is now 19) he would beat the snot out of me on a hourly basis."He is your little brother.You are older.You should know better." I would hear this constantly.What the hell should I know better then? I did not provoke the kid! He would out of the blue just decide to turn to me while we were sitting on the couch and punch me in the mouth.Perhaps he was bored.Or thought the shirt I was wearing was to purple that day. I to this day wonder how I provoked him....but this is another story for another time.
Back to the tattoo.He was sad.Or at least seemed to be.I was stupid wanting him to feel better.Hoping this could make us connect as brother and sister.It was Thanksgiving.He was leaving for California ,and The few months before he had been using a sewing needle and pen ink to create a pretty offensive tattoo on himself.He thought he was a artist and although offensive he did do a pretty good job on it.The lines were straight and there was not a touch of ink bleeding away from the design.It seemed perfectly stamped. He looked at me with his puppy dog eyes asking if he could give me a small tattoo on my arm.It made me remember the human side of him that I rarely got to see.Me being the"I don't want to hurt your feelings girl" said yes when it should have been a big fat NO!!!
I was very insistant upon the cleanliness of it.It was pretty much on the up and up for a needle tattoo.

While the point went in and out of the flesh on my upper right arm,my brain finally kicked in."What if he screws this up on purpose?" or "what if he gives me something that I did not want?". I remembered how spiteful he could be...and I was stupid enough to let him permenently mark me up?????
A little late for that now! I said he could give me a small  pretty cross.When it was done I ended up with a small cross...but it looked like I got it in prison.Perhaps the claw like marks and spots of ink where there should not be freaked me out.I smiled and like a good sister ,told him how he did such a good job.Inside I hated it.He was going cross country to live.I might not see him for awhile,so I wanted us to part on good terms.Something else ended up happening that made it NOT be on good terms anyway.I felt like a ass.


When I got home it really scabbed up.I scratched at it when I knew I shouldn't have but the itching made me nuts! I ended up with a scar the size of a 50 cent piece.I had dug the ink out without realizing it.So now I had a big cross scar.


About 4 months had gone by and my brother had come back to NY because of  money troubles.He had stayed with my sister in Florida for a couple of weeks.She is the actual tattoo artist.She is well known for her work in that industry .My brother got his hands on some machiene parts and put together a Frankenstein creation of a tattoo machiene.So when he came back,he came to visit me.He was super pissed that the janky tattoo he gave me was gone. He pulled out this creature that ran on a phone charger cord that he stripped the wire cover from.My mother says "You can cover up her scar".My face drops."I'm okay really." I say quickly.Then I fear for the destruction of my apartment.When the boy does not get his way....Things and people PAY.
Reluctantly I say "okay....but only large enough to cover the scar"
I picked out a nice little sun design I had seen on a tarot card.Angry at what I chose he starts ranting "so now you are a witch?! " It hurt me...not because I was a witch (because I am not) but because it hit another part of me that did not heal from high school.My former best friend would publicly mock me,saying I was a witch.I was sort of a radical Christian at the time and I think he knew how much it burned me.Stupid little f**k that he was!



  My brother agreed to it as long as he could change somethings.He was going to do a tattoo anyway so I thought it would be best to at least get something along the lines of what I wanted.It seemed to take forever.Sparks flew from this jacked up monster of a thing.I sat in a chair for a real time of 7 hours! He made it WAYYYYYYYYYYYY bigger then I wanted and barely even covered the scar.It was a revenge thing.I will tell you in another post what for.It was not to painful at all....until the last 2 hours.He dug in my flesh like he was tunneling to China. So now I had a HUGE tattoo.The worst part was it was a mess.The color was uneven and did not even fill in the design.The outline had erattic black lines and spots from where he had slipped.I hated it! I still do.
I wish I had the money to at least get it fixed a bit.I am sadly to broke for that.It does not fit into the budget.

I regret having NO spine to say say no.
I would take the beating over the mark any day.
Well I was thinking of how horrible it looks as I was in the shower today.That is why I blogged about it.If nothing else I hope someone will look at my spinelessness and say "I am not going to let someone do something to me that I dont want,just to be nice".
The moral of this is to stand up and not back down.If you believe in anything you can not let anyone take it away from you,even in fear.
Blog ya later.

What was I saying?

I can not believe what I am watching.Yeah...I'm trying to train myself to not be so crazy about having the t.v. on at the same time as the computer.I admit it makes me want to claw my skin off but if it helps me to "get better" so I can experience true love by getting the man of my dreams...I will suffer.Whoooo RUN ON SENTENCE ATTACK!
Anyway I did not plan on it but did not feel like channel surfing so I left it on.
Diary of a mad black woman.

It was supposed to be a very empowering film for black women.It is funny that it has the dude from Criminal Minds in it.Also the the Chick from Bones (the head doctor lady not Bones)Was that before or after?I am bad with time frames. I sorta like it.I am not black (I am bi racial, Native American and White) I think it's a woman power movie. Not my forte (I am a horror movie girl and maybe a Ben Stiller comedy now and then) but okay.
I don't really dig the lovey dovey crap .It makes me feel empty and like I am missing vital organs. I am wicked.I hate seeing others have the one thing I want most and know I will never have it.You could probrobly tell that by my angry post before bed. I don't want to be a angry b***h I just want to be loved.
It's something that I never feel like I ever had.No this is not a pity party and NO don't bring a covered dish!
I just want to be able to love someone who could love me back.Something deeper then physical (not that physical would be bad ).I just want it all in it's place.Where real clicking does not take the back seat to pure animal lust.

Okay,this guy is the whole package but I don'twant to make his head so big that he can't walk through the door.
I do pity this man if I am blessed enough to ever have a relationship with him.I have been waiting for him my whole life...I might just break him in half by the time I get my hands on him! No,for real.I need to pace that urge so I dont be such a crazy girl.
Why was I posting? Sorry the daydreamerin me got away for a minuet.Better go.Blog ya later.

Act 1 ; The second ANGRY verse

me the cow...yep I know...mooooooo



 Sometimes I think I must be the most over weight invisable person on this planet.I feel like it has got to be easy to notice me in one way or another.I must be wrong.If I was beautiful and thin and jumping up and down naked I STILL could not get this man to notice me.

I will admit I can not blame him.I also expect way more from him then I should. I am being selfish wanting him all to myself.I know (especially now) that we are in a odd situation,and he can not give me the attention I so desire.
On the other hand thinking some dorky ass homely f***ing bitch gets the privilage of saying she is in a relationship with him pisses the hell out of me!!!!

I want to frickin' beat the snot out of this dream wrecking,ungrateful,whore!!! ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Okay deep breathe...in and out...

I feel like he should always be shown how special he is...and the thought of him being near anyone actually makes me sick....perhaps I need to change my medication.I just had to get that out before bed.Just a warning to that girl......hope she doesnt like her face to much...because I am planning to rip that damn thing off and shove it up her stupid f***ing ass!!!!

breathing...breathing...okay the crazy is calming....

grrrrrrrrrr...still want to make her disappear...anyone got Harry Potter's phone number?

poof...lets make her disappear...naw to boring....I know ....MAKE HER EXPLODE!!! Then she would be gone and I would get to see her explode like a ballon full of chopped meat...

Okay I am weirding myself out.
Bottom line...she has someone I want...and have wanted since Feb of this year...before she even had him!!! I wanna scream at him to wake up!!! Dude,if you really are looking for love as you say...Hi! I'm here and I already love you...should I rip out my heart and hand it to you for real and not just emotionally????!!!

NOT HIS FAULT, STOP BEING CREEPY GIRL!

Okay.I will close with this.I love him,she is having a moment of fun,I pray it does not last long,I know he can do nothing about a "us" even if he wanted to but COME ON! Shatter me to pieces a bit more why dont you!!!

 Ugh...I am going to bed!

(gotta love google image search! You can find pictures of just about anything).

2 men that always are there when I am depressed...Even when I DONT WANT THEM TO!!

Ben and Jerry.official.I'm bummed.The container of new chunky monkey that sits beside my keyboard is self explanitory. I miss him,and won't see him for another week.Tryed to call him to let him know what was going on...how I'm having problems setting up my surgery...maybe he was busy...or maybe he is just ignoring me.I'm 4 spoons in and still feeling like crap.My back is in serious pain (that is why I need surgery..it's a breast reduction but my medical says it's plastic surgery even though its for my back). The pinched nerve I have in my back is also acting up.Not to mention my still being sick.

Now 7 spoons in I am looking at the lid.Knowing I should put it back on and freezer this bad boy.This will not bode well with my diet.Although being sick the past few days has fudged it up by not eating.Does that level me out?
No it's like a million calories a spoonful.Bye chunky monkey gotta put you away.I already ate 12 spoonfuls I better go before Ben and Jerry win.Blog ya later.

Blood,Sweat and...pee?

Tiger (the tiny terror)

Benny

I am FREAKING OUT!!!!
Don't know what to do.I am trying to get my mother's dog in a good home.See she was staying with me w/ her dog (Tiger) while she goes through divorce proceedings w/ my Father.I have a dog named Benny.My chubby little 4 yr old baby bear.I have known Tiger since he was first brought home 11 years ago.He has a kind little heart but certain things in life have made him...a bit neurotic.He looks feeble and harmless but really isnt.Since my mom is not here at the moment I have him and it is bringing my alot of anxiety.I am not allowed to have a extra dog,and I feel kinda dumped on.It just goes to show that when I let my guard down I get bit in the a**. I wanted to help my mom...but I am thinking she just used me as a stepping stone to get over some lava in the volcano.

So....I am here with Tiger and ,and Benny (extremely friendly and happy) goes up to Tiger and pushes a toy to him.Of course thinking this is adorable I run to my webcam to grab a shot.In the few seconds it took to turn around I hear a horrible yelp.I drop the camera and run to Benny seeing that Tiger is ATTACKING him. Benny is a bit bigger and alot chunkier then old Tiger but could hurt no one.Tiger on the other hand has a mean streak...he attacked my boy!!! Just for wanting to play????
I scooped up my Benny and shut us in the bathroom so I could properly care for his wounds.When I came out I Tried to seperate them by putting Tiger gated in the kitchen.Luckily I kept Ben in the bathroom until I could get Tiger.He leaped at me attacking my arm,making it a sratched up bit up bloody mess. I managed to get them seperated and am trying to breathe.

This is the first time he attacked my Ben but not the first time he attacked me.
Everytime I try to comb him bathe him or otherwise groom him he will attack me like a shark who has not eaten for a year.He has added to the scars that years of being physically abused by my kid brother and self harm had already left.
Now I just cant take it.For spite he will look at me after he has already gone for a walk (after battling to leash the furball w/teeth) growl and lift his leg right in front of me and pee on anything he can! I try to stop him and he bites me to chopped meat!
I tell him no,and he will actually grunt at me and kick my bedroom door open and freakin'  pisses on my blanket on my bed.It is almost daily and the laundry bills are getting high.Not to mention that my knees get more action then the ones belonging to a nun and prostitute combined! I know that was pretty distasteful, my apologies. (lots of bleach and soap).
Benny has peed for spite but he does not anymore.I am getting better at not letting walk all over me.

I just cant handle this little terror.I cant believe what a stupid jack ass I was to think things were cool with me and my mom,that the past was past.My family only looks out for themselves and will trample anyone who they can to get to the top.

In all of my crazy weirdness,freaky oddness I can say thank you God for making me different.
Being the "black sheep" or "odd man out" in this family is a plus.I would rather have my issues then be a user.
I feel terrible saying that,it is my blood and I dont want to be a horrible person but that is what it all boils down to.I am a loyal person and would give all of myself to save someone I cared for.
My family....not so much.Maybe I'm not really related to them..I am the only kid with blue eyes,and other then my brother (who I must say has a very lovely carmel skin tone...we have different father's) I am the naturally(my one sister is orange from over taining) the darkest skinned one.I know that I am in fact biologically related though.I probrobly set myself up for this somehow.They all know I will not say no to anyone.Funny...my friend (who I blog about waaayyyy more then I should) recently told me I need to learn to say "no" more. He is totally right.I am a doormat,and it's because I don't want to be the bad guy.I have to stand up for myself like I do for others...even those who don't back me when I need it. (hint ...My family)


So I have cleaned up the Tiger pee,and my blood...which makes him look as if he is wearing a rather fetching shade of lipstick.I have given myself a deadline,tucked Benny in on the warm clean blankets,and given Tiger a doggie bed to sleep on tonight in the livingroom.I called my father (who has never followed through on his word in all of my knowing him) and told him if he does not come and get Tiger before a certain date I will be forced to give him away.

It is true.I can not sacrifice my housing and chance ending up homeless again because of listening to my family's "advice".
I need to be selfish for once.Maybe a bit like them with the self preservation thing.
No
I won't stoop to that level, it's not this crazy dog's fault his owners are unworthy to be pet owners,but I still need to look out for myself.
I have a dog of my own to look out for,and a personal mission that I will never finish to achieve my ultimate goal with now.



 Time for my parents to grow up.I'm not their mom anymore,and can't clean up all of their messes and keep their dirty secrets and lies hidden under the carpet any longer.

OH THE FREAKIN" IRONY!

I think it's kinda ironic the fact that I threw out my blades...and while doing the dishes my finger gets cut by a broken glass.I guess it's not a good idea to just thrust your hands in a soapy water filled sink when you can not see what those wicked little dishes are up to.Argg! It actually hurt like super bad to.Which is weird.The bleeding has pretty much stopped but I have a wicked bad skin flap.Gross dude!

Poor innocent finger.(lol) I really should have been more careful.It just was kinda caught off guard.
Not so "nice" when it's not intentional...in my face??

Yeah thats a self slap.

THE SMELL OF....CHANGE

I really like Lynard Skynard but just a few minuets ago looked up the lyrics to this one song.The music has been going through my head for the past 4 hours . Usually I would not pay it much mind but I have the pressing feeling that I need to know the words.I believe sometimes that God will put a tune in your head so you check it out.You need to apply it to your life.Sometimes its a confermation of something eating at you other times a warning.

The lyric that told me this was a wake up call was "the smell of death surrounds you"

I nearly fell off my chair.I am not a drug addict but if you have read some of my posts I am a cutter.

Maybe God is screaming at me (in a language I can understand,music) that the next cut could end up my last?

If the smell of death surrounds you then it only takes a small thing to call it in to collect.I am serious,I have maybe not looked at this situation as seriously as I should.Blowing it off as a "whatever,it is what it is".

NO MORE

I will not call death upon myself anylonger.I will be gathering all of my hidden cutting equipment (tiny box cutters)after posting this, and THROWING THEM OUT!!!

I may not have control over life in a whole but I can sure as hell NOT attribute to my early demise. I have been working to change my dark outlook and free the real me. This is the first step to my "good things to come" goal.

I will put my self distruction urge on the curb for the trash man to pick up!

NO MORE! NO MORE!

I refuse to be another statistic.

Hello, nice to meet you.I am a new person,fresh from the oven of Life and reality's Bakery.

I Can See Clearly Now

Thinking that he is the medicine for my mind.The man of my dreams is infront of my face and this explains what he has done in my formerly dark life. I LOVE YOU BIGGER THEN THE SKY !!!!

Sorta funny how life works out.For awhile I actually thought I might be bi-sexual.I never acted on it but it was a really confussing time for me.Men seemed like the enemy.Used for reproductive purposes but unable to think of anything but their own wants and urges.I did not think a guy would be able to form a real line of communication.Just a weird theory birthed from hurt and loneliness.Then after all this confussion I had about a year of completely nothing.When I say nothing I mean no desire for any human what so ever.Of course except the unatainable,that would be my short lived obsession I had with Johnny Depp.I could see a hot dude and not look twice.I had no desire for life,and no tears would run because the callus heart in which I made myself have had dried them all up. I turned my intrests to something not sexual.
I was robotic without emotion for human life,although I could relate to animals better.I joined many online animal rights groups including PETA.I would lend my signature to any group who wanted to preserve the life of all animals...especially dogs.I had been able to really connect with few individuals in my life.Chalking it up to "they just dont get me". I crashed after the death of my dog Clyde who I had formed a close bond with after he almost died as a puppy.I was staying at my sister's house in Poughkeepsie at the time I learned of his passing.I had to have my parents pet sit because my sister could not have pets.I beat myself up daily for not being there when he needed me.I also grew a hate for the ones who allowed his demise.I remember getting the call.I could not stop crying.All those tears began to pour out one again.I was hyperventalating so badly I began to vomit.My little boy...my friend...was gone..and it was my fault.

I found myself daily walkig by the river in the park.Just passed Dooley square.I wanted to walk into that foul water.Walk and not stop.Until I could walk no more,and just fade away.
I fell back into a secret activity of youth.Cutting.Like a alcoholic you can go through a recovery and be dry but you will always be a alcoholic.It can grab you when you think you have over come it.Never having been a alcoholic nor caring for alcohol much I researched.After studing I realize the symptoms are as close to a cutter as can be said.No one understands a cutter better then a cutter.Mental health pro's try to get in their heads and are unable to really get it.So to anyone who knows a cutter,do not preach about suicide.Of course most of us have thought it and maybe even attempted it,but it is more of a release. Think of a cutter as a alcoholic and replace the booze with the blades and you might get it.

I had been "dry" so to speak since the age of 19.starting small at the age of 14.Now in my mid 20's I had fallen back.I can go hours,days,weeks,months and even years without doing it but I still will always have a cutter's mind frame.Just today I found myself looking at my bare ankle.Drifting off into the thought of the lovely pressure of pressing that cold blade down until I see a line of red.I have a really high thresh hold of pain.It does not hurt me.It reminds me I am alive,or sometimes I just really like the feeling of it.I don't want to be like this.I did not fall into the trap today I bypassed it with blogging.Sometimes I can deflect it...I have not cut myself since the 7th of September 2010. That could be the start of never cutting again...or cutting within a day.It's touch and go.

At the ripe old age of just being 29 for almost a month, I met this awesome guy,I really did not want to even give him a chance.I wanted to be a brat and chase him off when I heard I would be meeting him.(Sorry some thing I have to keep secret out of respect for his privacy).
I was VERY cautious.Thinking "I will show this little punk ass that he cant just walk up into MY lfe (ha like I had one) and think I would let him do what he was supposed to.I was ready to start a calander count down until this poor unknowing victim ran from me screaming and never wanting to go near people again.

God had different plans.

He was not about to let me f**k up this boy's life with my wicked desire to punish all around me.To top it off,He would even use this man to melt my icey heart.Prior to this meeting I had for months prayed for someone to be brought into my life.For someone who would understand and love me.To care about the REAL me hiding under the bad ass cover.To want to be a part of my life,a part of my recovery and the man I would spend the rest of my life with. (with the exeption of some details that are WAY TO creepily alike to this guy that I can not even say).

However this ends,or begins I know one thing.My life has been hard,abused physically,mentally,verbally and emotionally by others and myself. It is no harder then anyone elses' life and may even appear better to some.Our own personal struggles always seem harder then anyone elses' because WE have to go through them.
My light at the end of this struggle?
Remember that dude I go on about? Yeah,it's him.
I love him not just for the sake of loving or the desire for that other half (although he completes me and buffs the corners of my edged way of seeing things).I love the person that he is.I admire and appreciate the selfless actions and choices he makes.He does not need the recognition or the applause of the crowds.He is funny,smart and witty. I would gladly be the servant that greated this Knight at the castle gate after he had slayed dragons and rescued fair maidens.To be the one that he hands his armor to nightly,to buff out the scratches and his sword to clean the blood from.As I watch him take a new "fair maiden" inside each night. That I could just be the one who is by his bedside when he is sick.With a cool cloth ,medicine and soup to nurse him back to health.
I just want to have this amazing man in my life...even if I slowly die inside because my love for him has no boundaries and he is ALL ABOUT having boundaries.

He is the Knight in shining armor I dreamed of.Even if he never knows it and I may never tell him....he DID save my life in so many ways.He really DID unknowing save me from ending it all.For that alone I am greatful.Thank you Lord for waking me up,because I would not hear your voice,you knew you had to speak through someone else.

Oh crap!!! Am I a STALKER???

Say it ain't so....have I become the creepy obsessed stalker dude from the movies???
I mean no harm,I will admit my obsession though.I think I am so obsessed with online watching of this man because I wish I had the real thing.To have him in my life for real would make me not so stalkery.

Sounds pretty stalker-like still! A very stalkery answer!

If we actually could just hang out and shoot the breeze I would not have to feed my hunger for him through blog posts and old newspaper articles.Is that what I have been reduced to? A faux relationship through this magic machiene hooked up to endless amounts of information on ANYBODY if you just take the time and know how to look?

As a woman I wish my life was a romance novel.Where the girl gets the guy,and he is totally in love with her.They ride horses by the waters edge of the beach at sunset,and lay in each others arms to watch the stars in the night sky.

Not a horse riding kinda gal but you catch the drift.I really would love to be able to have a real relationship. I can picture the two of us sitting under the night sky gazing at the stars and just enjoying each others company.Being playful,and having a tickle fight,winding up in each others arms kissing.

WAKE UP GIRL!!!! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!

Am I right to hit myself while I am already down? Maybe.Perhaps I dont deserve the happily ever after that we were lied to about in those fairy tales of youth.The chick who got the guy was always beautiful.Maybe it would be more realistic and give us REAL hope if she was not so hot.Give the b**ch a weight problem or bad skin.Maybe a limp and glasses so thick you could ice skate on them!

I have never physically stalked this poor innocent soul who fell into my life.(I pity him for having met me..although I started living when I met him).

forgive me father for I have sinned.......
   I would regularly look him up on the net....although I have weened myself from it .For which I am proud of.
( Pride is a sin!!!)
Okay,I do not want to creep him out so I stopped calling his message machiene to hear his voice at all hours...in my defense it was a small way to compensate for lack of his presence.It made it worse though...I missed him MORE!
(Is this a form of false God worship?)

I love the man with everything I am and probrobly should not be,but I do not put him in a God status position. I do however thank God daily for his creation,and blessing me with being able to know it.I also Thank God for answering my prayer and always keeping this man safe.To have his angels watch over him and guide his steps.

I AM NOT A STALKER! I may have stalkerish tendencies but thats all.I just want the dream...and I just want him to be a part of my reality.

life sucks..it's not easy being fat...

I hate that I am a whale.I wonder if this is the reason I am not aquiring the attention of the man I love.Or it really could be his job...no it's got to be my size.Diets and excersize,pills and miracle drinks,nothing works.I am cursed.I have tried starvation,excersize and countless diet drinks.Maybe I am ment to be a discusting blob of blah.Who am I kidding.Why would a adorable little cuddly bear like him like me. It is not as if he is blind. Yet all I think of is him,and I know he is not the type of person to judge my outside.Look how much better a person he is then me...I constantly judge my outside.Today the song "mad world" came in to my head. If you are not familiar it's not very uplifting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20qZtnODB0w

Just being out of line again....

This is what I think of when I think of the man I love....

My love for you is eternal
my respect for you without limit

I would give my life for you
I can't imagine living a life without you in it
No one else is so kind
no one quite so sweet

I have loved you before I knew you
I was waiting for the day we would meet
Not really the way I planned it

Was not as simple as just in the hands of fate
Can not just kiss you or ask you for a date
Behind a pane of glass

I can see you but can not touch

If I never have you

I don't think I could take that much
Your the air that I breathe
The Light in the sky
The beat of my heart
Why I no longer cry
The music that my soul can dance to
The reason why I wake up each morning
Waiting for the day you finally kiss me without warning
Why I know I can find me
Why I know I can be myself

you dusted off my heart
and removed it from it's shelf
The hope that you will someday even care the slightest about me Keeps me going
I would obey your every command
Just want to hold your hand
To walk down the path of life together
I truely know my heart
I will love you forever

He is perfect.Things some may see as faults...Gives him character.I like character.I might die if he ever read this blog. He knows how I feel,I guess he may think it's not genuine.That it is some sort of reflective blah blah.Or that it is because it is easey to think you love someone who you have easy access to.

I NEVER thought I would love ANYONE. I really did not expect it.I may be different in alot of ways but I know when love is real.If he does read this...I do love you.I always will.

Anyone remember that line in Forrest Gump when he tells Jenny that he may not be a smart man but he knows what love is?

Yup,thats me.All crazy and slowness aside...One thing I know for sure is love.

A little diddy called.....WTF !

Day 2 of being a pukey sweaty mess.

Woke up today in a puddle of sweat.I must have slept on my side wrong because My hip hurts like a b**ch.Does anyone remember how Barbie doll and action figure legs used to be in the 80's? The leg was connected to the plastic body by a snap in nub.Well I imagine that is what this is like.The crunching of the twisting of pulling the leg off.Yeah I was not a ordinary kid.Not most girls have experience dismembering their dolls.Tea party's and fashion shows....not my bag,baby (said like Austin Powers). While girls played with their dolls,I would pull off their parts and (without sucess) try to create a type of frankinstein doll."Daughter why did you take apart crystal barbie?"...."Mom,I really thought her head looked better on my Jem doll!"



MY crazy eldest sister in the background and crazy little me with my hawaiian barbie



How many kids are odd enough to pick up a daddy longlegs,pull off all but one of their legs,and watch it try to walk?

I was intrested in how things worked...maybe a little to interested.

Now older and not to much wiser,I do not pull apart daddy longlegs. I also do not as I did at the age of 8,take a pair of scissors and cut open moths in flight.Also I dont murder bugs so I can dig a huge hole in the ground and perform a funeral for them.The bug could be no bigger then a pencil eraser...but they had a grave big enough to hold a plastic milk jug,and then some.

I now try to figure out why I was such a freak.

Perhaps I could look at it this way: It was not mutilation of dolls...I was thinking outside the box.Who else though of a disabled Barbie? Just because she was missing a leg did not make her less of a doll!

It was not a twisted thrill to pull off all but one of the daddy longlegs' legs....Maybe he just did not really need so many? What about the bug burials? I was a equal oppertunity grave digger.Bugs big and small all deserved equal treatment...and equally large graves!The moths?...Well....Okay,I can't think of anything for them...that was just f**ked up.

Well this made me not think about how sick I am.Pretty cool.Blog ya later !

THIS BLOG POST IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE DADDY LONGLEGS AND MOTHS WHO LOST THEIR LIVES ( and body parts) AT THE HANDS OF MY WACKED OUT MIND AS A CHILD.   

(YEAH I KNOW I AM ODD....but thats what people love about me! )

Act 1 ;the first verse

I am currently writing from home. Guess whats going on from the following description:
 Sweaty and my body aching.Feeling like something heavy is on my chest and having a hard time breathing.Gagging and alot of spitting up.Feeling very hot and on my back...hoping its over soon!

Did you guess?

Okay,I admit the way I typed it was kinda misleading,but was truthful.I am currently very sick.Did I get your mind in the gutter? Ha ha,I am wicked bad sometimes.Alas I would not be wishing the end part of that statement though if it were what you thought!

Lets just say I'm not very experienced,thats all.Okay the fact that MY mind is in the gutter practically 24-7 is not a good thing.Do not judge me as a slut...far from it my friend.I have a certain person in mind to get this job done with,but things are not looking to good.Maybe I should join a convent.Do you still have to know latin?If so I am f***ed.New launguages are a bit hard on me.
Yeah I was trying to be nice...I SUCK AT DIFFERENT LAUNGUAGES. I can barely speak and spell English and it is my native tounge!

Ranting...yup...thats what I am doing.Hope it was a bit entertaining for you.If not sorry I killed a few minuets of your life...but if it was not me it would have been someone elses blog so screw it. You are thinking I'm a badass? Yeah it's so totally a front. The grrrrrr F-U world,I dont give a crap I don't spell check my blog cause I'm a rebel thing.....it's all about protection.It's I guess you could say my emotional condom or birth control.

Would love to write more but I have to go and vomit.Gotta run from the computer (for real).Hope you will still be wanting to read more posts...

In the beginning....

Mug shots? No. This is the tragic truth of time.Yep, I wonder where all that little kid cuteness went sometimes.Not that it did me any good.The black and white one was my passport photo when I was no more then 2. My  father ( I secretly refer to as "the sperm donor" because he was never there for me even though he lived in the same house) was a Calvary man in the US Army.He joined before his # came up in the draft back in the Vietnam war,and would have been a lifer but was given a honorable medical discharge (the story I was told was he had a tank accident,but I hardly believe it).I have (like many people do) found out that most of what I thought I knew has been a fairy tale.The scales of youthful innocence falling from my eyes as my flesh ages to a fine dust. He was in to some secret s**t that I can't even describe.Oh right,I was introducing you to my "parents".On we go then.My mother was very protective (perhaps to the point of causing me my current neurosis). I remember her always being there for me and even taking me along to her house cleaning jobs when trying to make ends meet.My father was not a very good provider.She made it work for us kids though.I remember back in the 80's this stuff called "pasta toss".We ate that for at least a year straight every night because we could afford nothing else.Egg noodles with butter or apaghetti and this crap in a shaker. To this day I can not swallow egg noodles,but I can hardly hold such financle circumstances against anyone. Up until I was 7 1/2 my mom was my hero,best friend and my rock.Around  the age of 8 I noticed she really started to back my older sister and try to be her buddy.I assume her state of mind from years of abuse had caused her to want to befriend my sister and make her into what she believed she could be.I now admire the fact that she always pushed my sister to draw.She is actually quite good,but I saw my mom drift away from me and my other sister and basically put my eldest sister on a pedestal.Any talents I or my other sister had went un noticed because we were almost invisable.A uncaring father who ignored us and our only other parent seemed to put us in a never ending time out corner.To try to gain some attention I tried my damndest to be the perfect child.I put aside all the things I liked and tried to become my sister.If only to get a small "good job" from my mother.I put my focus on trying to draw like my sister,but never could grab the realism she could.My real passion? Performing.I would put on shows as a tiny 2 year old.I would sing,act and tell jokes (With no punch line) . Now I had to put on the performance of a life time. A play I like to call "my sister's mirror image but in reality her shadow". I play the part of a girl who locks her identity in a box.She buries it and decides to take on a new form.To become a shape shifter if you will.The one big problem, with that role is it does not stop.It over takes you,engulfing you in it's very self until you dont remember where you ever hid that box.At the age of 9 the day came that I never even fathomed.My mom was tired of my father's abuse.She came to the living room doorway and said she was leaving. I saw my eldest sister with a bag.I assumed I would be going with her.I didn't.She took my sister and left my other sister and myself with my father.Later in life I was told that she wanted to take me but my father would not let her.Whatever it was or however it really went is a truth I will never know.It felt like abandonment to me.She chose my sister over me...again. While they were seperated my father was very handsy with my sister and I.He would take both of our heads and crash them together.I remember being beaten with a old metal fly swatter...I dont even know why.I was just playing in my room with my sister and boom.My parents got back together because my father had threatened my mother with stopping taking care of us.He stalked her everyday.We all moved into the middle of nowhere. The only signs of life being the retirement home up the street where my father was a guard. I hated that house and hated my life.It became like a jungle where us children were fighting for survival. We had to get on our parents good side.One of us would be the target and everyone else the hecklers.I would pray for company to come over so I was not yelled at or picked on,but soon they became audience members too. Pass the tomatoes guys let's destroy someone tonight. That being said I will speak of it no more.That is my past. My 2 sisters grew up bitches.My little brother is a jerk.My mother is still around every now and again,but I still do not have a relationship with my father. Aside from 2 nervous breakdowns,anxiety,depression,2 inncidents that made me terrified to be alone with a man,the death of my small dog Clyde who was my only real friend and thoughts of killing myself from the age of 12 up until a couple of years ago, things could be worse.I am moving forward now.Have a awesome therapist,take some meds and have just about the coolest case manager in existance.My last breakdown made me unable to work and my scoolastic skills are not as good as they once were (my spelling is as you can see a victim.I always sucked at math and science). I have had a hard time with friends.I really cant deal with alot of people at one time.My Light at the end of this dark tunnel?

A guy who was just doing his job.Poor thing,he did not expect for me to fall in love with him.He is a awesome friend,but of course is off limits.I hold out hope that someday (hopefully before I'm to old to be able to do anything about it) that will not be the case.I prayed to God for a long time and this dude fits all of it.Even with the way he showed up in my life.He is my friend,but lets just say kind of a mentor to me. I am in love with him.His name brings a smile to my face.His voice is a song,the only song I ever want to hear for the rest of my days.His smile makes me melt.His wisdom feed my soul,his presence makes the sun want to come out and push away the rainy days.He is the one who helped me (unknowingly) find my heart and make it beat only for him.He is Why I NEED TO FIND THAT BOX I BURIED SO LONG AGO. He is why I will finally be motivated to find myself.

Welcome to anyone who reads this blog to the search for the REAL song of my life.The real me and the shedding of all of my doubts and pain.