Mug shots? No. This is the tragic truth of time.Yep, I wonder where all that little kid cuteness went sometimes.Not that it did me any good.The black and white one was my passport photo when I was no more then 2. My father ( I secretly refer to as "the sperm donor" because he was never there for me even though he lived in the same house) was a Calvary man in the US Army.He joined before his # came up in the draft back in the Vietnam war,and would have been a lifer but was given a honorable medical discharge (the story I was told was he had a tank accident,but I hardly believe it).I have (like many people do) found out that most of what I thought I knew has been a fairy tale.The scales of youthful innocence falling from my eyes as my flesh ages to a fine dust. He was in to some secret s**t that I can't even describe.Oh right,I was introducing you to my "parents".On we go then.My mother was very protective (perhaps to the point of causing me my current neurosis). I remember her always being there for me and even taking me along to her house cleaning jobs when trying to make ends meet.My father was not a very good provider.She made it work for us kids though.I remember back in the 80's this stuff called "pasta toss".We ate that for at least a year straight every night because we could afford nothing else.Egg noodles with butter or apaghetti and this crap in a shaker. To this day I can not swallow egg noodles,but I can hardly hold such financle circumstances against anyone. Up until I was 7 1/2 my mom was my hero,best friend and my rock.Around the age of 8 I noticed she really started to back my older sister and try to be her buddy.I assume her state of mind from years of abuse had caused her to want to befriend my sister and make her into what she believed she could be.I now admire the fact that she always pushed my sister to draw.She is actually quite good,but I saw my mom drift away from me and my other sister and basically put my eldest sister on a pedestal.Any talents I or my other sister had went un noticed because we were almost invisable.A uncaring father who ignored us and our only other parent seemed to put us in a never ending time out corner.To try to gain some attention I tried my damndest to be the perfect child.I put aside all the things I liked and tried to become my sister.If only to get a small "good job" from my mother.I put my focus on trying to draw like my sister,but never could grab the realism she could.My real passion? Performing.I would put on shows as a tiny 2 year old.I would sing,act and tell jokes (With no punch line) . Now I had to put on the performance of a life time. A play I like to call "my sister's mirror image but in reality her shadow". I play the part of a girl who locks her identity in a box.She buries it and decides to take on a new form.To become a shape shifter if you will.The one big problem, with that role is it does not stop.It over takes you,engulfing you in it's very self until you dont remember where you ever hid that box.At the age of 9 the day came that I never even fathomed.My mom was tired of my father's abuse.She came to the living room doorway and said she was leaving. I saw my eldest sister with a bag.I assumed I would be going with her.I didn't.She took my sister and left my other sister and myself with my father.Later in life I was told that she wanted to take me but my father would not let her.Whatever it was or however it really went is a truth I will never know.It felt like abandonment to me.She chose my sister over me...again. While they were seperated my father was very handsy with my sister and I.He would take both of our heads and crash them together.I remember being beaten with a old metal fly swatter...I dont even know why.I was just playing in my room with my sister and boom.My parents got back together because my father had threatened my mother with stopping taking care of us.He stalked her everyday.We all moved into the middle of nowhere. The only signs of life being the retirement home up the street where my father was a guard. I hated that house and hated my life.It became like a jungle where us children were fighting for survival. We had to get on our parents good side.One of us would be the target and everyone else the hecklers.I would pray for company to come over so I was not yelled at or picked on,but soon they became audience members too. Pass the tomatoes guys let's destroy someone tonight. That being said I will speak of it no more.That is my past. My 2 sisters grew up bitches.My little brother is a jerk.My mother is still around every now and again,but I still do not have a relationship with my father. Aside from 2 nervous breakdowns,anxiety,depression,2 inncidents that made me terrified to be alone with a man,the death of my small dog Clyde who was my only real friend and thoughts of killing myself from the age of 12 up until a couple of years ago, things could be worse.I am moving forward now.Have a awesome therapist,take some meds and have just about the coolest case manager in existance.My last breakdown made me unable to work and my scoolastic skills are not as good as they once were (my spelling is as you can see a victim.I always sucked at math and science). I have had a hard time with friends.I really cant deal with alot of people at one time.My Light at the end of this dark tunnel?
A guy who was just doing his job.Poor thing,he did not expect for me to fall in love with him.He is a awesome friend,but of course is off limits.I hold out hope that someday (hopefully before I'm to old to be able to do anything about it) that will not be the case.I prayed to God for a long time and this dude fits all of it.Even with the way he showed up in my life.He is my friend,but lets just say kind of a mentor to me. I am in love with him.His name brings a smile to my face.His voice is a song,the only song I ever want to hear for the rest of my days.His smile makes me melt.His wisdom feed my soul,his presence makes the sun want to come out and push away the rainy days.He is the one who helped me (unknowingly) find my heart and make it beat only for him.He is Why I NEED TO FIND THAT BOX I BURIED SO LONG AGO. He is why I will finally be motivated to find myself.
Welcome to anyone who reads this blog to the search for the REAL song of my life.The real me and the shedding of all of my doubts and pain.
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