Thinking that he is the medicine for my mind.The man of my dreams is infront of my face and this explains what he has done in my formerly dark life. I LOVE YOU BIGGER THEN THE SKY !!!!
Sorta funny how life works out.For awhile I actually thought I might be bi-sexual.I never acted on it but it was a really confussing time for me.Men seemed like the enemy.Used for reproductive purposes but unable to think of anything but their own wants and urges.I did not think a guy would be able to form a real line of communication.Just a weird theory birthed from hurt and loneliness.Then after all this confussion I had about a year of completely nothing.When I say nothing I mean no desire for any human what so ever.Of course except the unatainable,that would be my short lived obsession I had with Johnny Depp.I could see a hot dude and not look twice.I had no desire for life,and no tears would run because the callus heart in which I made myself have had dried them all up. I turned my intrests to something not sexual.
I was robotic without emotion for human life,although I could relate to animals better.I joined many online animal rights groups including PETA.I would lend my signature to any group who wanted to preserve the life of all animals...especially dogs.I had been able to really connect with few individuals in my life.Chalking it up to "they just dont get me". I crashed after the death of my dog Clyde who I had formed a close bond with after he almost died as a puppy.I was staying at my sister's house in Poughkeepsie at the time I learned of his passing.I had to have my parents pet sit because my sister could not have pets.I beat myself up daily for not being there when he needed me.I also grew a hate for the ones who allowed his demise.I remember getting the call.I could not stop crying.All those tears began to pour out one again.I was hyperventalating so badly I began to vomit.My little boy...my friend...was gone..and it was my fault.
I found myself daily walkig by the river in the park.Just passed Dooley square.I wanted to walk into that foul water.Walk and not stop.Until I could walk no more,and just fade away.
I fell back into a secret activity of youth.Cutting.Like a alcoholic you can go through a recovery and be dry but you will always be a alcoholic.It can grab you when you think you have over come it.Never having been a alcoholic nor caring for alcohol much I researched.After studing I realize the symptoms are as close to a cutter as can be said.No one understands a cutter better then a cutter.Mental health pro's try to get in their heads and are unable to really get it.So to anyone who knows a cutter,do not preach about suicide.Of course most of us have thought it and maybe even attempted it,but it is more of a release. Think of a cutter as a alcoholic and replace the booze with the blades and you might get it.
I had been "dry" so to speak since the age of 19.starting small at the age of 14.Now in my mid 20's I had fallen back.I can go hours,days,weeks,months and even years without doing it but I still will always have a cutter's mind frame.Just today I found myself looking at my bare ankle.Drifting off into the thought of the lovely pressure of pressing that cold blade down until I see a line of red.I have a really high thresh hold of pain.It does not hurt me.It reminds me I am alive,or sometimes I just really like the feeling of it.I don't want to be like this.I did not fall into the trap today I bypassed it with blogging.Sometimes I can deflect it...I have not cut myself since the 7th of September 2010. That could be the start of never cutting again...or cutting within a day.It's touch and go.
At the ripe old age of just being 29 for almost a month, I met this awesome guy,I really did not want to even give him a chance.I wanted to be a brat and chase him off when I heard I would be meeting him.(Sorry some thing I have to keep secret out of respect for his privacy).
I was VERY cautious.Thinking "I will show this little punk ass that he cant just walk up into MY lfe (ha like I had one) and think I would let him do what he was supposed to.I was ready to start a calander count down until this poor unknowing victim ran from me screaming and never wanting to go near people again.
God had different plans.
He was not about to let me f**k up this boy's life with my wicked desire to punish all around me.To top it off,He would even use this man to melt my icey heart.Prior to this meeting I had for months prayed for someone to be brought into my life.For someone who would understand and love me.To care about the REAL me hiding under the bad ass cover.To want to be a part of my life,a part of my recovery and the man I would spend the rest of my life with. (with the exeption of some details that are WAY TO creepily alike to this guy that I can not even say).
However this ends,or begins I know one thing.My life has been hard,abused physically,mentally,verbally and emotionally by others and myself. It is no harder then anyone elses' life and may even appear better to some.Our own personal struggles always seem harder then anyone elses' because WE have to go through them.
My light at the end of this struggle?
Remember that dude I go on about? Yeah,it's him.
I love him not just for the sake of loving or the desire for that other half (although he completes me and buffs the corners of my edged way of seeing things).I love the person that he is.I admire and appreciate the selfless actions and choices he makes.He does not need the recognition or the applause of the crowds.He is funny,smart and witty. I would gladly be the servant that greated this Knight at the castle gate after he had slayed dragons and rescued fair maidens.To be the one that he hands his armor to nightly,to buff out the scratches and his sword to clean the blood from.As I watch him take a new "fair maiden" inside each night. That I could just be the one who is by his bedside when he is sick.With a cool cloth ,medicine and soup to nurse him back to health.
I just want to have this amazing man in my life...even if I slowly die inside because my love for him has no boundaries and he is ALL ABOUT having boundaries.
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